It was: 'I am alone in the castle with those awful women.'
What We Did On Vacation
Jesus, Maggie pick up the goddamned phone. I know you can hear me. Where the fuck are you? I spent the past half an hour searching high and low and now I find the car's gone. I mean storming off is one thing, but taking the car and leaving me here like this? I'm alone in the castle with those awful women. Your mother and her shrill fucking harridan sister and poor bloody Arlene. Jesus! What do you expect me to do? This is the middle of fucking nowhere. How the hell do I find a taxi in the arse end of the English countryside? And you've got my wallet in your bag. I'm stuck here with the three of them. Thanks a bunch. Some fucking vacation this is turning out to be. Your mom and your aunt both hate me and they know we've had a row and now they're hunting me down. There's only so many of Henry the Eighth's goddamned bedrooms I can hide in. I mean what the hell am I going to tell your mother? Eh? Answer me that. Sorry, mom, but your daughter's run off with the car and she's got my wallet so we've got a fifty mile fucking walk back to the hotel?
Shit, Maggie, pick up the damned phone, will ya'? Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, but talk about getting the wrong end of the stick. I mean, what the hell do you think was going on? Me and Arlene? Jeeesus! You got it all wrong. I mean would I make out with your cousin? Would I? And more to the point, would she make out with me? For crying out loud, Maggie, I was only trying to comfort her after the thing with Ted and that bitch secretary. You just walked in at the wrong fucking moment, that's all.
For Christ's sake, Maggie. Pick up! I know you're listening. Just bring the fucking car back here and fetch your mother and your goddamned aunt. You can leave me and Arlene to walk if you want but just get back here. Jesus, I know what it looked like but it wasn't, okay? It just wasn't. Nothing happened. I mean my hand slipped but that was just the shock of you walking in on us. I was just comforting her. You know how upset she is with that cocksucker of a husband of hers. That's all the kissing was. It meant nothing. It was just comfort. Honest to God, Maggie. Come on. Please pick up your fucking phone. You know it's you I love. Not her. D'you really think I wanna spend the rest of my life with Arlene? For fuck's sake. That woman’s as dumb as she is ugly.
Arlene? I didn't mean it. You know I was just trying to calm Maggie down. Arlene! Come back!
Oh, Jesus. Maggie? Arlene's run off in tears now. I hope you're fucking happy.
Pick up the fucking phone!